Me vs Mom: who is who?

A very beloved friend of mine and I had been talking about buying myself a gift.  [We will call her C] I had been hemming and hawing about the purchase for a little while and kept reasoning that there was no justification in my buying it, despite deserving to treat myself. (Which I had not done with this particular hobby in 2 years to the day!)

She brought up an article that discussed “Imposter Syndrome” and it explained that this condition is where one who steps into a new role–typically a new parent–who despite receiving social praise on how well they are doing in their new role, feel fake and as though they’re, well, an imposter.

This fit how I had been feeling for some time, now. Like, I wasn’t who I really said I was. (A new mom) By buying such a lavish gift for myself, I was taking food or diapers from my child and “real moms” didn’t do these things and I must be an awful, selfish mother. Of course, I wasn’t really taking anything from my son. This was money that had been set aside for me to do as I wanted. So, why was I feeling like this? The sense of having to sacrifice for my child was so intense even though there was no need to. She pointed out that I tend to be an overachiever, which agitates these feelings.

C then asked me how I differentiate between Mom (me) and Sara (me). Why don’t I deserve to buy things for myself? When do these two facets of person meet and where do they separate? I ended up thinking about it so hard that more than an hour had gone by and I couldn’t come up with anything. I had never thought about it before. I had no idea! At first, I had simply answered that I didn’t know. It felt like it didn’t really apply to me.

In that time, I made my purchase, having finally, straightened myself up and going forward. (I still felt guilty after buying it.) I thought off and on about my answer for C and didn’t bring it up again until a few nights later when I thought I had a good response. [This blog post]

Sara is Sara and Mom is Mom. Sara is Mom and Mom is Sara. This means that no matter how I try to break it apart, these two people are really the same. The difference between the two is that while I am obligated to my son, I have to remember that: the rest of my time? The rest of me? It’s still obligated to me, to be able to do the things I enjoy, to buy things that I want or need. That I deserve to be able to do things that bring on the oxytocin. Mom isn’t necessarily a different person at all, but I do have to recognize that when it’s time to be mommy;  it’s time to be mommy. When it’s just me alone and free during down time or while I’m at work? I’m allowed to be Sara. Mommy can sit on the back burner since she isn’t needed. I’m allowed to provide for myself the care and love I would otherwise provide for my son when it’s time to be Mommy again; I’m good enough for him, so I am good enough for me.

Adjusting to life with a newborn

Life with a newborn is a hell of a journey. I’ve had been there, done that parents (BTDT) who tell me that this is actually the easy stage. I am disinclined to agree. 

Like anyone, babies have their good days, and their bad days. Yves seems to have more bad days than good days. Or at least, that’s all the days I seem to worry about the most. 

Like today for example: I was going to attend the first lolita meetup that I had been to in God knows how long, but he decided he was going to have a meltdown for the rest of the day.  This outfit went to complete waste.

Pink and purple outfits!

Adorable as heck, right? 

Figuring out how to live your day to day life is like putting together a 5000+ piece puzzle, only to find out that it wasn’t 5,000 pieces. You misread the label, it’s more like 5,000,000,000,000 pieces and they all mostly look a like and you’re probably missing a piece or two but you have no idea.

Feeding Yves is another struggle all on it’s own. He has a very small window between:

fine –> Hungry –> HANGRY and inconsolable for atleast 30-60 minutes.

He must get it from my side of the family, because we’re all mostly like that when it comes to food. On one hand, we’re doing way better with breastfeeding which is leading to a decrease in my using formula to supplement. On the other hand, I’m about to go back to work and I have yet to try to see if I can cause an overproduction of milk so I can pump and store…which may lead back to formula supplementation

On the brightside, Yves was able to sleep through most of the night last night with minimal interruptions. I stayed up so that poor Papa Bear could get some sleep since he has been taking the night shift during the week (despite having work, however it just has to be this way because when I go back to work after this next week, I work NOC shift). 

Yves in the swing

What’s so funny about the swing is that this kid likes it on full blast.  I swore up and down that despite the safety straps, he was gonna fly out because it was swinging so hard, but he won’t have it any other speed. 

It’s the moment like these that really remind you why having a child is so special

Sleepy boy

Daddy's arm swing

Legit discovering that there is a baby on my phone. Spoiler: it’s him.

But first, let me take a selfie

The way this one turned out, it looks like Yves is taking a selfie with me. Did we end up on SnapChat? 

First 30 days

Yves is officially 1 month old!  

This has been one of the most trying months of my life. Learning to get used to a new baby is something else. I don’t care what anyone says, no amount of reading or advice from other people/moms can prepare you for the first 30 days of life. The sleep deprivation is unreal. I’ve had to get up, bright eyed and bushy tailed on 3 hours or less of sleep. Thankfully, Richard has been an amazing partner and father. He gets up with me in feed/change shifts so that we can get some solid shut eye between shifts. 

In a small little congratulations: My brother, three weeks after Yves was born, found out that his wife was 28 weeks pregnant. It was discovered when she went for a CT scan to check for additional adhesions from her endometriosis. They had to stop the scan due to finding the baby that my brother had no idea was there. After describing to me what the tech saw, I suggested he and his wife go to the ER complaining of cramps after hearing that she was recently pregnant in order to get a better idea as to how far along she was. Well, that’s when they confirmed she was pregnant but certainly NOT 10 weeks or less. They had almost had a baby and didn’t know!! (Someone call TLC. ) I’m so happy for my brother. He, of all people I know, deserves the most to have children.

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Yves eats like a champ. No. Really. He eats like an olympian. There are times when I swear to God, he doesn’t get enough to eat because he will nurse, and nurse and nurse.  He’s gaining weight though, so he’s clearly getting enough.

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Nowadays, we are working on increasing his upper body strength with tummy time. He’s handling it pretty well!

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Until he gets lazy that is. Then he just likes to scoot around with his feet. peets~peets~peets~

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Of course, when he realizes that I’m taking photos, he turns into a real ham sandwich. 

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